It wasn't worth the loss
by lustfulsinners
Summary: What might happen to an undying and unconfessed love.


It was only soon after I moved in when I realized how in love I was with him. But unfortunately he could never return those feelings.

Me and Ciel had been friends for about 10 years now. He's only 16 and I'm 3 years older so I'm pretty amazed of how easily he can live by his own, anyway we just moved in together, for that my parents won't allow me to live in their home anymore. He's always been there for me. And helped me. Soon after I got 14 I realized I loved him.

"Sebastian! What would you like to eat tonight?" Yes, he's the one who cooks in our house, I don't have it with such things. I clean. "Anything, just toss some food on that plate for me please!" His cooking is absolutely delicious. We share the same bed, sometimes he asks me to hold him when he's cold at night, to make it even worse he nuzzles his head into my chest so gently and sleeps so soundly. But I can't risk our friendship for this. It's too much of a loss.

I am a student at the university and wish to become a detective someday. Ciel wants to be a doctor. Sometimes when I stay up all night to finish some homework and fall asleep at the table he'd come and cover me.

"Wake up, idiot." He's slowly whisper in my ear in the mornings when I refuse to wake up. He's the bossy kind. He loves to have the control, and I like that. If he weren't with me this whole time I guess I would be alcoholic and drugged by now, he always takes out what's best in me, that's why I love him. But I can't risk our friendship for a one-sided love like this.

"I'm getting married." Those words scratched my whole brain and I was forcing myself not to cry, "Congratulations!" I'm screaming inside, but for his sake I won't show anything. That night I couldn't stop myself anymore, I put some of my old paper on my desk and began to work, waiting for him to fall asleep. I walked over to our bed and sat where his face was turned towards. I brushed my fingers through his oh-so-soft hair and leaned myself in. It was an extremely soft kiss, I barely felt the touch but I needed to control that urge. I licked his bottom lip. I needed to know what he tasted like.

During his wedding I showed an emotionless face as he said "I do.", put a ring on her finger and kissed her. I hated it from the bottom of my heart, I loved him so much but..it wasn't worth the loss.

He moved out.. with her. I was so lonely and basically dying a little more each time I was going to bed. It was so cold without him. Nothing was the same.

He rarely came to visit anymore, and when he did she was present.

One night somewhere around 4 am I heard a knock on the door and walked by to see who it was. My beloved was standing there not even facing me, "Ciel..what are you—" The last thing I remember was him getting on his tiptoes and our lips meeting into a quick stolen kiss. Then he ran away, "CIEL!" I yelled but got no answer.

It drove me crazy. For days and days it was all I could think of, I couldn't focus on my work anymore. Ciel's taste was still on my lips, I could never forget it. But I started dating at last.. I didn't have any other choice I suppose.

Two weeks after my birthday and 6 since our kiss, Ciel came to 'visit' me. I opened the door hoping to get a chance to talk to him about _that_ but before I could say anything, "Your birthday was 2 weeks ago and I missed it, I know I missed it.. I'm sorry." He handed me a small box wrapped in a colored paper and I instinctively started to unwrap it, "Don't..not now. Let me leave first." And he walked out of my house and away.

I didn't open it that night, I thought I'd leave it for later.

That night I got a call from his wife, which surprised me greatly.

"Hello..?"

"CIEL IS DEAD."

I felt my mind crack at that moment.

"Don't joke with me, it's not funny."

"I'M NOT JOKING. They found his body somewhere near the town. You need to come here immediately."

I hung up and drove there with 200 per hour but who the hell cared about that.

I walked into his house and yelled at his wife, "WHERE IS HE?"

She pointed to a door at the end of the hallway. I walked past police and everyone else and roughly entered the room. There he was, my beloved laying breathless on a bed. I walked to the bed and cupped his cheeks. I cried. I cried so much I can't even remember. I even fainted after I got out of that doomed room. I saw no point in living any more at that point.

At his funeral I was already dead inside and was planning to kill myself soon, but Lizzy walked up to be and handed me a piece of paper, "We found this in his pocket. It says it's for you so I decided not to read it." I took it and only read it once I got home. I sat on the bed and got out one of his old shirts. It smelled like him. Truly. I started to read the note.

_**"Dear idiot..I mean Sebastian,**_

_**I hope you're not crying right now or I'll be extremely mad at you. I need to explain you why.**_

_**I'll tell you a little story. I've known this boy for about 15 years now. We became best friends forever. We moved in at some point. At the young age of 11 I knew that I needed nobody else but him in my life. We went to the same school. I dragged him at the same high school and once he ended it he moved in with me. I couldn't be any happier. I fell in love with him so hard. But I couldn't risk loosing our friendship for this one-sided love. I soon after the got married, I had no other option. That's when everything slipped away. I moved out. I could no longer be held in his arms when I was cold at nights. But one day I had to do it and.. I stole a kiss. I had to. I needed to know what he tasted like. In the second I found out he was dating I knew there was no point in me being here anymore, and took my decision. I needed to give him his present firstly. I've always wanted to tell him how I feel. So badly. So I'll say it now.**_

_**I love you, Sebastian.**_

_**I always did."**_

I started crying once again. I packed the paper carefully and put it into my pocket. I took then the small box he gave me and finally decided to open it. I found a little silver ring and a note, "Marry me, idiot." I decided to write myself a letter to him.

"_**Dear Ciel,**_

_**I hope you're having fun up there but when I'm coming to get you you'll be in trouble.**_

_**Think of who is the idiot again. You never understood how much I loved you. You cooked me 11 years then decided to let me starve.**_

_**You've been the one who made me be a better man. I've realized something in my life because of you and you suddenly decided to leave me. **_

_**Oh.. I also stole a kiss. Sorry.**_

_**Anyway, I'll never forgive you for this. **_

_**So…you know I'm not good at things like this.**_

_**Oh, to answer you present. Yes, I'll marry you any time.**_

_**I'm putting our friendship at risk now.**_

_**I've always loved you, and will always."**_

I went to his grave and placed it along with some flowers.

I'll never love someone as much as I love you.


End file.
